One Step Forward....One Step Back

So about a month ago I started have some leg problems. Whenever I would stand on my leg for at least an hour I'd begin to have numbing and tingling down my left leg from my hip to my knee.  I began to get more worried about it as it nagged me when I was trying to work....causing me to have to sit down at work.  This made me feel defeated like the cancer was beating me so my oncologist sent me into have a MRI down of my upper and lower back.
The results weren't fantastic but they weren't great either.  The spots that had shown up on my hip and tail bone showed up again. There are only a few and they are millimeters in size but still being told that there is cancer in your bones big or small puts fear into my head as if I needed anymore.  However, my oncologist knows me too well and told me that this does not mean my disease is progressing because these spots are not new and have not grown since the first time they were seen.
So for now we are going to try physical therapy and gabapentin for the nerve pain.  I've been to two therapy sessions and found out that the pain in my leg  and back wasn't from the cancer in my hip but from bursitis in my hip, weakened abdominal muscles, atrophied back muscles, and a pinched nerve. 
In the midst of this I have slowly gotten some energy back and have been able to do more. 
With my energy and feeling kinda "normal" again comes an old fear of something is going to go wrong. I was given the book "Jesus Calling" by a friend and I reccomend it to everyone because it really speaks to everyone no matter what the situation.  Fear of the unknown is something I think we all go through no matter what your trial. Here's some words from my daily devotions:
"When you face unexpected demands, there is no need to panic. Remember that I am with you. Talk with Me, and listen while I talk you through each challenging situation.  I am not a careless God. When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you fully to handle them. Relax in My Presence, trusting in My Strength.
2 Corinthians 12:9
"Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness"

Prayers for Trey Erwin

     So last week I saw a news story on a young man who I haven't been able to get off my mind.  His name is Trey Erwin...just 14 years old and diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. He has been through more than I can imagine, yet he and his parents faith is unshakable is and is very evident in their caring bridge.  In your prayers tonight please say one for Trey and his family and if you have time send them some love....here is the link to his caring bridge site.....

Trey Erwins CaringBridge Page

I thought this song was fitting for this post

"Scar and Struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone"

Update on Gamma Knife

         Just wanted to let everyone know that my Gamma Knife Procedure went as planned.  We arrived at the center and just as I was gonna get out....it hit me.....the overwhelmingness of what I was about to do......and I sat there a I prayed and I cried.....and I remembered a time when my father sat alone and asked God if this really was his will and if it was then "thy will be done".  So I was reminded by Gods grace that he knows and understands my fears and with that I went in to do what I knew had to be done.  I was blessed enough to have some awesome doctors and nurse that held my hand through the whole thing.  Even the physicist that was there to just design a plan for the radiation held my hand.  I know that its not in the handbook that every doctor has to be nice or caring.......so I feel truly blessed that I have come across such wonderful and caring ones.  When you look at the pictures imagine me trying to take a drink with that on.....it was quite entertaining if I do say so myself......to bad I didnt' get anyone to video that as it took me a few times to figure out how to get te straw under the metal contraption LOL.  And if you know me you know that I had to get some funny pics while this contraption was screwed to my head so here you go....

Decked Out in my hat...headed to get my MRI before the
Gamma Knife Procedure :)

All Screwed in and Ready to Go lol

So they wrapped my head to prevent bleeding
post-op and well it left just the top of my head
exposed.....so I got me some Easter Eggs and
made me a nest......on top of my head HA HA

Gamma Knife Procedure

Psalm 119:114

"You are my refuge and my shield; your word is my source of hope"

Back to the real world.......I know I am surrounded by the protection of my God so I will be going in for what is  called a Gamma Knife Procedure to further shrink and hopefully completely eradicate :) the tumors in my head.  Its pretty much a more specific form of radiation and there is not cutting involved......I mean whose happy when the option to NOT open them up or cut them is offered lol.  Its a one time....pretty much all day procedure where I am placed in what looks like a Halo to hold my head still while radiation is administered to the specific tumors instead of to the whole brain like I did before.  I won't lie...I'm pretty overwhelmed by this procedure but am confident in my doctors and am thankful that God has lined everything up perfectly so that I can have this procedure.  In the midst of my fears.......I hold onto the hope and peace that surpasses all understanding.

John 14:1

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me"

Here's a video about Gamma Knife Procedure if it interests you to watch :)

Here is also another place where you can read about it....Just click HERE

Here's something to make you laugh

Hope comes from God who is our protecter....And with that hope I went searching for pictrues of hope....or at least pictures that could made me laugh at this halo thing they are going to make me put on.....Hope you enjoy.........

Now wouldn't you love to have a back
to the future thing like that strapped
to your head instead of a robo cop
looking thing in the pictures next to us :)

But that's ok cause I'm coming out wearing
the newest headress and making
all the other cancer patients jealous....
Robo Cop Here I Come lol



Life As I've Come To Know It

"In the midst of an ever-changing world, the good news is that the life of faith is anchored by the power, provisions and the promises of God.  Circumstances may change, but the future is as sure as the character of God himself.  No matter what happens, those who trust in God hope in his word"

Hello everyone sorry It's been so long since I updated but honestly life has been a more difficult than I would have dreamed lately. Since my last update I've had a MRI of my brain which revealed that the full brain radiation shrunk the tumors almost 50% which the radiologist and I were so happy about.  He said one of the tumors was almost gone.  So the next step now is gamma knife which is a concentrated form of radiation.  The fact that I am able to have gamma knife is amazing the only problem I have with it is the procedure that goes into which involves having what looks like a halo screwed into your head......yea I know that what your thinking...that sounds "phenomenal" lol.
I also had another PET scan done which came back still showing active cells in the live and substernal regions but the spots were still smaller and the oncologist was very happy with that too.
Like I wrote in my last post I've struggled with the swelling that the steroids caused.  I usually don't like to get out of the house much because I'm still so embarressed with how I look. The litle I've been out...it seems I may make it worse that it is but I've seen the stares and many times its just easier not to go out unless I am working. Most people tell me I look great but its a matter of believing it yourself that I haven't been able to do.  Luckily I have come completely off steroids but it may take a few months for the swelling in my face, neck, shoulders, back, and stomach to come down. 
Last month has been my hardest month so far.  I spent 4 days in the hospital with pneumonia.  I had been sick off and on for about 2 weeks before that. My oncologist sent me to a GI doctor to check my esophagus because I was having trouble swallowing and when we arrived my blood pressure was 86/54 and I was having trouble walking... the doctor looked and me and said "I know your a stubborn patient (apparently he had also just called my oncologist who had told him that too about me lol) but you need to be in the hospital...I'm gonna have your mother call us when you get there just to be sure you actually went".  Needless to say I felt like I was 15 again and in trouble but if I haven't said it before I'll say it now I am extrememly blessed with doctors that actually care about me and a mother who deserves the nobel prize for her love and patience. After my chest X-ray the doctors came in to tell me I had pneumonia and I said  "Ok I'll take it cause last time I was in the ER and the doctors came in ya'll told me I had cancer....so pneumonia is definitely alot better lol"......both doctors were a little stunned at my response but they both laughed. 
After leaving the hospital I struggled for about 2 weeks with nausea, dehydration, and fatigue. There have been some days where I couldn't get out of bed or off the couch without the assistance of my awesome mom.  Love her she's only about 98 pounds soaking wet lol and I'm about 150  pounds and she never hesitated to help lift me....I thank God everyday that she's here.  I felt like at times I let people down or hurt their feelings because people want to come visit me or want to take me out and most of the time, almost on a daily basis I would be hit with this over whelming fatigue, so bad that talking was a task I couldn't do.  I always hope that I explain to everyone who might not understand that I dont' want to ignore anyone but sometimes as hard as I try this disease takes me down for a while but I can promise you that I will always fight it....because tomorrow is a new day.
"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow willl bring its own worries.  Today's trouble is enough for today" Matthew 6:34 
 I have always tried to be honest on my blog and so I'll tell you there has been many times since I started this journey that I have wanted to quit.......between the fatigue, swelling, nauea, etc. I struggled alot......and through my tears I have cried out to God and asked the question that I'm sure many have who face illness and hard times..."Why me".  But I would NEVER, EVER wish this on anyone else but sometimes when it gets real bad thats the first question that comes to my mind.....though I truly believe and hope that God will be glorified through my struggles I am only human and want everyone to know that I get angry...I get sad but I still trust and hold onto to the God that has promised he will never leave me and I know he never will.
Today I watched a documentary of a little boy who is officially my hero.  I promise if you take 5 minutes to watch the story of this little boy it will brighten and inspire you as it did me to live each day like its your last and appreciate every moment.  P.S. You might wanna have some tissues....:)

  Here is a quote one of my nurses gave me and I think its perfect.
"Faith is God's invitation to make the impossible possible.  He is glorified when we are enabled to do what we are unable to do"

Radiation and Beyond......

Well since the last time I updated I have finished my 15 round of full brain radiation....WOO HOO! Here's a fun pic of me after I finished my radiation. They even let me keep the helmet...not sure what do to with it besides maybe use it for next Halloween lol.  

Woo Hoo Last Radiation :)

The radiologist says I need to wait about a month for another MRI....and like you I was thinking "dang that's along time to wait" but he explained it like this...it takes 2 weeks for half the radiation to clear out of my head and another few weeks for enough of it to clear out for the tumors to be seen clear enough on the MRI to see if the tumors have shrunk.
I saw my oncologist last week and he started me on a drug called Xeloda that I take for 7 days and then am off for 7 days along with the Tykerb that I take 5 pills of at night.
I have also been taking steroids for the inflammation in my brain and so far it is my biggest complex.  For those that don't know the side effects of steroids can be cosmetically very difficult and for me that is the problem.  They make you swell horribly and have caused extremely painful acne on my face.  It happened pretty quickly and I definitely wasn't expecting it and I'd be lying if I told you it wasn't so far one of the most difficult things I have experienced.  I find myself going between work and home and that's it........I hate looking at myself and find people seem to stare more well because the swelling  makes it obvious that I'm sick.  But fortunately the doctors said it would go away but it will take about a month or two.  So for now I pray......a sweet friend of mine told me...tell God how you feel he can handle it....and I have....I've cried and I've prayed. 
Matthew 11:28 I think says it best:  "Jesus said "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls"
 What's funny is that you always hear "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"....."beauty is only skin deep"......but I tell you that's so much easier said than done.  And I've always said I will be honest and so I am......as a 26 year old woman those saying used to be something so much easier for me to say to someone and now that I'm living it its a much different story.  I know God still sees the inside me but my struggle right now is the outside and I've been honest and I encourage any man/woman out there...no matter what your struggle be honest with God he can take...he does understand....and even in my darkest times when I feel hideous I can feel him there.
Psalm 10:5
"Weeping may remain for the a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning"
Another struggle is my fatigue.  I was warned by the radiologist that fatigue (tiredness)...which has at points kept me in bed for a day or two which is difficult for a person like who me is definitely not a home body but luckily after a day or two of sleeping I've been able to continue to work.....works makes me feel normal. :)
I've also had to shave my head...which really wasn't that bad this time around.....kinda know how everything goes the second time around so it was more fun having my Mom and sister in law come and buzz my hair.  I was humbled and and shocked when my sister in law came in to shave my head with her head fully shaved. She is the most amazing woman

A verse that I've read that has really helped me is Matthew 17:20
"You don't have enough faith Jesus told them "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say this to the mountain, move from here to there and it would move, Nothing would be impossible" 
This verse reminds me not to look at my mountain but to look at God because well he's bigger than this mountain...I must continue to look to him. 
"There is no cry so good as that which comes from the bottom of the mountains; no prayer half so hearty as that which comes up from the depths of the soul, through deep trials and afflictions. For they bring us to God and we are happier, for nearness to God is happiness."

I really hope I haven't spent this blog being negative just honest about my struggles but the fact that I feel like I couldn't make it without my heavenly father.  Tears are shed daily on my part but I can't explain that  even in my tears the peace I feel from the arms of my savior :) who I know continues to hold me even when I feel like I'm all alone. :)
Here's a video I've also been listening to that really soothes my soul........

Full Brain Radiation......I Look Like Robo Cop lol

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Mold of My Head

So I apologize for droppin that last bomb on people and then not updating until now.  Seems like I've been a little over-whelmed with life lately and how drastic things are changing but no worries I am trudging ahead.  So as of today 1/18/2010 I have 3 more full brain radiation treatments to go.....YAY!   They are then going to wait a week or two and do another MRI of the brain to see how the radiation has worked.....or in other words to see if the tumors have shrank at all.   Since my last post I have been doing full brain radiation treatments every morning...and If u know me then u know I of course had to take pics to maybe help people understand what exactly they do in full brain radiation.  First they have to make a mold of my head and for all you ladies and even men who have had a paraffin done one their hands or feet that is kind of what it feel like when they mold the plastic to your face.  Here's a pic. Now you may ask why they have to make a mold of my head...why can't I just lay down on the table since we know all the radiation is going straight into my brain......have no fear...I asked that question and they said it was because they wanted to double check that my head didn't move and since we r dealing with such things as radiation...I agree lol. 
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Me and The Mask Bolted To Table...Get A-load of that Nose lol

So every morning I get up and I try and worry less, which I know sounds crazy and I try and remind myself that God's got this....he has promised to hold my hand and I can feel him...literally....I know he's there and I pray and I head to radiation and it only takes about ten minutes. The first day freaked me out a bit and if u look at this next pic you will see why
...because not only do they have u in a mask they also bolt you down to the bed...like something from saw.  When the radiation begins it smells like burning plastic and the first time I heard it I swear the first thing I said to my self was "I swear if I die because this plastic burns into my face when I get to the pearly gates I'm having God send me back because I"m haunting EVERYBODY!" lol  ..but luckily I"m still here and the smell is just a common side effect of those receiving full brain radiation so I've come to expect in my day to day treatments. 
Another part of the radiation is that well its going to kill my hair follicles on the hair and has already begun to do so but I'm hoping to keep my hair as long as possible.  Hoping this second time might not be as bad as the first.
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Just Me After I Finished A Morning Round of Radiation

But if you've ever lost your hair you may have experienced this but your hair actually hurts when it dies...so many evenings I lay on the couch with a extra large ice pack on my head to freeze my hair follicles because when my hair moves it actually hurts because the follicles are dead...its CRAZY!...sorry  I dont' have a pic of that....lol....that will be my next project. 




OK so onto our next line of treatment.  My oncologist has started me on what I light to call a "light" chemo...if that even exists.  We started today and its called Herceptin.  I did it IV when I was in nursing school and tolerated it rather well....so my prayer is that I will do that same again. I am also taking a medication call Tykerb 5 times a day and as soon as the radiation is over I will also start on a pill call Xeloda.  If you know me then u know I HATE taking pills so this is nightly struggle for me but I do as I am told.
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Me and My 2 Favorite Oncologists :)

Proverbs 4:27  Equilibrium. Balance of the heart and mind and passions. To set out boldly in the winds of life and circumstances and neither bend nor falter.  Plant your feet solidly on the Rock.  Let the winds blow about you with all their force. They have no power to harm you, for I AM your Rock.  I AM your anchor Let Me be your peace, your power, your stabilizer. Bend neither to the right nor the left but receive your balance in Me"